Thinkin' on your stomach.

You never know when Communism might seep into your country and attack you in your own backyard. It might even be through toothpaste. Which probably, very rationally and justifiably so, explains why the U.S is now checking all toothpaste imports from China. Heck, brushing one's teeth might not be good after all!!! 

 
(Red. In More Ways Than One.)

I can imagine the U.S Food and Drug Administration Head explaining the agency's actions in a press conference.

" Lets face it folks, we are in a rapidly globalizing world. This is the era of technological advancement and economic development. In the course of our progress, we cannot let filibusters and monkey-wrenches hinder our machinery. Among the primary threats to the American dream of peace, prosperity and success is Communism *shudder across the conference room*. For the uninitiated, let me brief you about this, this...thing..called Communism. Communists are elusive and thanfully, endangered species who habitate certain remote corners of the world. Found abundant due to thriving conditions present in Cuba, Russia, certain parts of South America, China and even India*, their livelihood is restricted to blabbering absolute and incoherent gibberish about a Revolution that will never happen. They can be easily identified by their clothing and mannerisms; for example the Indian sub-species of Communists are reported to be clothed in this material they call "khadi", bought from the best of multinational apparel industries, and they carry around a morose-looking bag which reportedly contains copies of the Communist Manifesto to be distributed to street urchins.

Let me not digress from our present concern folks. Our extremely reliable intelligence sources, yes, the very same that told us about the 9/11 attacks five seconds before they actually happened, have reported that China, currently the second largest exporter of toothpaste to the U.S., has started adding small doses of, believe it or not, Communism in the toothpaste that they send us! This has been confirmed by our inspection officials who have recently found miniature toys and figurehoods of Marx and Lenin in the toothpaste packets received; some even found copies of the Little Red Book in them. This is an extremely tense moment for all of us here; a national crisis to say the least. However, I'm glad to inform you that the situation is well under-control. Not only has the inspection procedure been strengthened, but our Propaganda Wing has already invested hundreds of millions in advertisements that claim the use of these pastes will result in prolonged tooth decay and bad breath to the consumers. *The crowd bursts into huge applause at this juncture* Thank you, thank you. That will be all. God Bless America."

 *Not to worry, ladies and gentlemen, we have the Indians eating out of our hands. Our intelligence sources state that the two so-called Communist states in India are undergoing massive liberalization policies and that the Chief Minister of West Bengal's favourite hobby currently includes throwing farmers out of their land and watching them get beaten up later on. There's still hope.

The Cafe Coffee Day outlet in Trivandrum, according to one school of thought, is the key to the quintessential Malayalee's (upward) social mobility. In other words, there are certain people who believe that certain people go to C.C.D. because it is cool/hip. Why so in the Mallu context?

 1. Because the clientele there order everything but coffee.  Be it iced teas (oh, the irony) to mojitos or doughnuts to pizzas, coffee rarely figures in the list.

2. Because Cafe Coffee Day serves outrageously bad coffee; subjective yes, but i've tasted better in good old Thankappan's roadside thattu kada (thats romanticizing a wee bit, but the intention is clear).

3. Because people suddenly switch to English after entering C.C.D premises; the young, old or the imbecile alike.

4. Because we decide to read Jeffrey Archer inside Cafe Coffee Day without ordering anything (badly reminiscent of our wayside intellectuals at the chai shops involved in socio-political polemic?)

5. Because the TV programme showing plays muted to a different Worldspace connection. So if we're watching Juhi Chawla's Kurkure-ad, we're listening to 50 Cents rap. Wonderful symphony, yes.

 But thats enough pseudo-bashing for the day; one, of course, at various indices must plead gulity to being a pseudo himself. What forms the subject subject matter of this post, is in the next post.

 6. Because long posts are self-destructive to the institution of blogging.

The holidays have begun; ah but no, young reader*, that is not the subject of this post. The same is, however, very related to the fact of my being home. Self happened to stumble upon this book by the legendary Art Buchwald, the syndicated columnist known for his scintillating wit and sharp sarcasm; and who also passed away quite recently at the ripe old age of 81. The book titled "Dont forget to Write" is a collection of columns, so to say, that Buchwald wrote while he was in Paris. 

   An out-of-print publication, the book most certainly deserves a post of its own. For starters, it is not often that one goes through a collection of newspaper columns running upto 250 pages and ends up reading it in a day. Amazingly witty, subtly sarcastic and more importantly, refreshingly buoyant throughout, Art takes perfectly measured swipes at the creme-de-la-creme of the 20th century society; right from the wealthy yet stingy aristocrats in Paris who chose to go on an economizing drive during the time of Charles De Gaulle, ending up tearing their clothes, eating lesser meals and breaking their own windows to show they were poor, to the elitist intellectuals of Europe who'd rather speak of unheard musicians and gain attention at the dinner table than speak with sincerity. Of course, not to be left, is a massive dig at the heart of Russian socialism in the 50s where he, most wonderfully, depicts a quiz show on National Television. To cite an example, the prompter to the show, quite frequently, holds up the card "Applaud, Or Else" to the audience whenever the M.C cracks a joke. Also hilarious is the scene where the Chief of Secret Police lands up as a contestant in the show. Also amongst the columns is a ready-made tourist diary for the busy traveller who can't miss shopping.

I could go on forever, but, since brevity, they say, happens to be the soul of something Mr. Buchwald's work possesses aplenty, it would only do justice to the review. Don't miss a chance to read the book if you happen to lay your hands on it; and while you're at it, don't forget to laugh.

*One would assume that old, mature men and women, upon whom the burden of the world is thrusted, would have better things to do than peruse this blog.